I am so mental right now. Actually, I am realizing I am that way all of the time but its feeling especially pronounced right now. I am having the hardest time convincing myself to run these days. I will push it off- telling myself I'll run in the afternoon, or before dinner, or right after dinner-until I wind up dragging myself to the gym at 10pm and slogging through a run. Last night however I couldn't force myself out of a funk and made it only 10 minutes before a faux-coughing fit made me call it quits.
Tuesday, despite putting it off until the wee hours of the night I did have a great run. I was able to hold my 10K pace for 4miles and included a few 400m speed intervals. Then (!) I hit the pool and got in a 30minute swim. The swimming was hard, due in large part to the fact that I haven't been in the pool since my birthday.
While I was swimming I realized what a self absorbed headcase I can be. It used to (and honestly still does) make me SUPER anxious when I am doing laps in a busy pool area (and for those who haven't had the joy of swimming at a 24hr fitness there is a whole AARP social scene on the pool deck). Here are just a few of the thoughts that swim through my mind:
- Are they looking at me?
- Are they talking about me?
- Is there something going on and I look like a jackass cause I am too busy swimming to notice it?
- Do they think my technique sucks?/ Do they think I rock? (this is very dependent on the specific group poolside)
- Do they think I am lazy?/Do they think I rock? (see above)
If you notice, the highlight is "me/I/my" and my main concern is what "they" think.
It has gotten better. There was a time when I would get so freaked I'd get out of the pool. Or, more ridiculous, I'd want to get out of the pool but be so worried about what "they" would think that I wouldn't. Now it is more of passing thoughts that kill time but on Sunday my friends pointed out that I need to get over myself. Nobody cares.
In so many areas of my life I am so concerned about looking foolish that I fret over it until the opportunity is lost. In 27 years I have gotten good at convincing myself that I dictate my own actions but I'm starting to see that, often times, the decisions I make are guided by fear.
Funnily enough the above questions could be the ones that I ask myself all the time:
- Are they looking at me?
- Are they talking about me?
- Is there something going on and I look like a jackass cause I am too oblivious
busy swimming to notice it? - Do they think my approach
technique sucks?/ Do they think I rock? (this is very dependent on the specific group poolside) - Do they think I am lazy?/Do they think I rock? (see above)
It isn't to say that I never make decisions even when I think the above answers are yes but the more self conscious I am about things the closer I keep them to my chest. And usually it is ridiculous. Examples: (a)When I applied to graduate school I didn't tell anyone that I had applied to Yale because I figured they'd be rolling their eyes inside (and this is despite the fact that I was a damn good student and cracker jack researcher, hehe); (b) I was ~1month into training for my first 5K before I told anyone
But there are too many times when I let my interpretation of answers to the above questions get in my way. Examples: (a) Making a decision about where I want to be career-wise/going back to school; (b) Almost any romantic instance :P
The bottom line though is that if I want to meet my goals (like a marathon or a triathlon or…happiness) I need to stop letting my interpretation of things cloud the fact that I am in charge.
I'll close with a picture of a person who, despite wanting to impress him more than almost anyone, I never feel stupid around. My little SuperNephew.
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