Monday, June 5, 2017

It goes to Intent

Alternative titles:
Are you fucking serious right now?
I'm raising a thug
Why we can't have nice things
Kids are the Worst
Serenity now


I don't even know what to say about this.

Let's set the scene.
Andrew was coming off a phenomenal weekend.



There is a reason they are so cute.

On Saturday morning we had a birthday party for a friend's daughter who turned three. That party was the first time I clearly saw how some of the HARD work that had been three was starting to come together for Andrew. For whatever reason stealing was rampant at this party. Swift and at every corner. And kids (younger) kept stealing stuff (food, balls, coloring supplies) from Andrew. Adults dealt with it but his reaction was exactly what we've been trying to work on. He was rightfully pissed but held it together so beautifully and he never retaliated and as far as I could tell was never the thief. He had a lot of fun despite the injustices.
Three has been rough. He is such a mix of know it all/bossypants and desperately seeking closeness to us as he realizes how confusing the world is. Both of those are cute and charming in their own way but together it is dizzying and frustrating for us.

But this weekend it was clicking! We had a sleepover Saturday/Sunday and he was a fun and gracious host. He was excited to have her and shared his stuff and us so well.

So this morning.
I had a pretty bad headache but otherwise our morning was clicking along. When I drive them to daycare I get Andrew out first and then we walk to Miranda's side to get her out. He keeps a hand on the car while I unbuckle Miranda and then we hold hands through the parking lot. EVERY DAY.

Today I look down and there is a circle drawn with a rock on our car*. I was SEETHING with rage. My kid somehow managed to key my car in the five seconds it takes to extract his sister. Seriously.

Immediately the two voices in my head were a competition between LIVID and a reasonable jerk who kept reminding me that to him the infraction does not involve a monetary or long term issue. I saw him seeing how upset I was, apologizing for "not listening" and being genuinely contrite. But I was losing my mind inside.

Drop off was curt. And likely the blood pressure spike shifted my headache into a full blown, nausea and everything migraine.

When I picked him up we had a talk about things that an apology can't fix. I'm sure we all had this conversation around something glass and precious of our parents that we broke. Mine was when I cut up one of my mom's favorite photos for a collage. She was so mad and I didn't get it- I was making something for her.

In that respect I guess I should be glad that this was not something irreplaceable. I attempted a scratch buffing treatment that possibly helped.

My other unreasonable reaction was/is something like shame. Like, WTF, is my kid a vandal? Is this where his life of crime begins? Where did we go wrong. Which is dumb because he doesn't have any context for body damage and BBV.

Eventually my migraine subsided and I got to pick the kids up early for a dr appointment for Miranda. After that we went to the park. Andrew has spent the evening being his usual self with what seems like a few extra random kisses and snuggles.

I'm proud of myself for my outward reaction and disappointed with myself for my inner one (all of the alternative titles above). I sort of feel like we've leveled up in parenting and I have not found any cheat codes.



Sorry child #2. I'm onto the "kill em with cuteness" plan. But good effort.


*the O was about 6" long. it was not our brand new car and it is a surface scratch which can probably be dealt with pretty easily. BUT STILL
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, May 8, 2017

Pollyanna

Things are improving (at a snails pace) in the getting Andrew to not be afraid of his room front.
The process has involved more of his sleeping in our room then his entire life to this point combined.

He comes in and sleeps in a little cot near our bed.

If I'm playing the glad game I'd call out this:

The night Andrew was born (wee morning I should say) when we all finally were alone and turned out the lights, hours old Andrew was in a newborn sleepy fog, Michael was in an exhaustion coma and I was wide awake on adrenaline and hormones.

The two of them on either side of me.

I just sat there looking at them. My family. By choice, by luck, by miracle. It was pretty amazing.

And tonight and a few times in the past weeks I've found myself in the same position. And it is still pretty amazing.





Oh- and now flanked with this silly girl in the next room. So bizarre and amazing.










- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Shit

Shit.
My friend died.
Suddenly and even more sudden to me since I didn't know she'd gotten sick.

Man, this was one of the really good ones. I can't believe the world doesn't have them anymore.

I'm realizing by the outpouring on her Facebook page how she was one of those friends that you feel like you have a special relationship with but it turns out they made all of their relationships special.

This was one of the first friendships I made in Washington and in a lot of ways she was what helped me through those early days. We worked together and bonded over lunchtime hummus and a big lab move.

She helped me buy the last beater car I've owned. She was the one who encouraged me to try pho instead of bun at Vietnamese restaurants- and changed my impression of that dark murky broth forever. She ate the radicchio out of all of my salad mixes. She fielded my IM's at work when I was bored or hungry.

She showed me Seattle proper. She was a native and mostly loved this place. We clubbed on capital hill. Ate food on the Ave. We had a standing date to do a stairs workout in capital hill then Pho and a movie. She made me watch scary foreign films. She let me tag along to different interesting things her more artsy friends were doing. We went to step aerobics.

This was the first friendship where we both talked about relationships and how much we wanted one and how for our self-conscious selves it was a true struggle.

We went on vacation together to Maui and she tolerated my white knuckles while we attempted to drive up volcanoes and approximately 1/10th of the road to Hana. The only girlfriend's type trip I've ever done. We took surf lessons and attempted to beach in rainy Maui weather.



I watched (and I hope supported) as she found her passion, went to school for it and moved to Denver to make a life.

We texted, IM'd and Facebook messaged.

She met both of my babies and ate dinner at both of our homes.

I had 100% taken for granted that we'd wind up in the same city. Her family and heart were here.

I'm going to miss her so much.


She was a great example of how even though you're shy you have to push out of your comfort zone to make a difference in things you care about.





I'm not ready not to have this person in my life anymore. I'm heartsick about the things they never got to do. I'm sad for the world not to have this goofy, passionate, generous, opinionated, fiercely loyal and exceedingly loving person here.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Relentlessness

Inalways guessed that the biggest challenge for me in parenthood would be the sheer relentlessness of it. Unlike many of my other guesses I was absolutely right.

I'm finding myself becoming weirdly unreasonable with Andrew because it feels like it is constantly something. And for some reason I'm like "dude, I kinda thought we'd figured most stuff out for you. Pull it together THREE YEAR OLD" (sarcasm font used)

Last night* was one of those relentless ones.

Michael was out of town and this is the email I sent him:
Oh man, I was a mom disaster last night. It was clearly my fault because when Ali was asking how it was going yesterday I was too positive. I was saying what a great week we were having. Andrew has honestly been a total delight and drop offs have been good. Checklist and bed time were awesome on Monday and Tuesday. But man I totally failed last night.

After I put Miranda down, he ate cereal and had two glasses of water (foreshadowing) and we chatted before bed. Checklist was great but then you witnessed the “I don’t want to be alone”/”what if I’m scared”/etc. I thought talking to you had helped but no, we tried starting over with checklist stories and trying again, I sat and sang to him until he seemed calm and sleepy- all fails . Finally I turned on his light and said he was free to play and I was going to bed.(here is where you might be annoyed at me if this bites us in the ass but bear with me) I left our bedroom door open and I was lying in bed and I see a little face in the hall and I told him to come lay with me. Truth be told, it helped me sleep better and we were both out like lights. Until 3am when he wakes me to say he wet his pants- and our bed.

I got him new jammies and told him he would have to lay in his bed. He starts SCREAMING as I walk back to our room. I definitely yelled and asked a dumb question to a tired 3.5 year old ( “what do you want us to do Andrew?”, which he had no idea, he was as tired as I was and frustrated too.) He screams some more until Miranda starts screaming. Then I cried. I sat in his chair and cried. He sat with me for a few minutes then laid down, he seemed a little sad and maybe confused at why I was crying. I did apologize and tell him that I was tired and sad he couldn’t get to sleep. He was quiet, Miranda had settled back down and then I was up feeling like SHIT for about an hour (interrupted by one call for me saying he heard a loud sound). Then I slept next to his pee.

We were out of milk and I wanted a fresh start this morning- so we got up and dressed and out the door in 15 minutes and went and had Starbucks for breakfast. They were two of the happiest, cutest, chattiest kids ever and it was lovely and wonderful. Drop off was great. I went home and showered and was to work without trouble.

I’m not sure the moral of that story. I suck? I don’t try hard enough and I suck? I try, but still suck? I try, but still suck but hopefully he knows that even if I suck I love him?


Ugh.

Since then he is now apparently afraid to be alone in bed.



Things were going great! He even invented blackberry tacos.


And it makes me totally sad for him and I can actually totally relate to that feeling.

But it also is an example of how, even when the hard work fades to the background and you are just in the moment enjoying things something will pop up to show you that this gig is truly never ending.

I'm not handling this one well (mostly because it is sucking the life out of me to spend the 1-2 hours we have after they presumably are in bed dealing with this rather than get a little alone/couple/housework/paperwork time). Luckily Michael is handling it with a cooler kinder head- I handled our last crisis so I don't feel entirely terrible about this.

But yeah. Parenting is fucking relentless. And like aging that is better than the alternative.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
*this was last Wednesday so now we are a week into this situation

Sunday, March 19, 2017

I LOST my shit.

My flight to San Diego was cancelled while we sat at the gate. I'd taken a Lyft to the airport. It was a 9:30 flight and the only one that would get me to SAN in time for my 8:30 training start time.
And I LOST my shit.

I feel like this type of stress test is a good measure of my mental state. Because I like to think that when I'm in a good place I am usually pretty good at adapting or at least seeing the absurdity. But on Monday night I honestly felt completely crushed.
It was like suddenly a loud chorus of all the ways I was fucking everything up started running on repeat in my head. Late for the course that I was already unsure about- hadn't driven to the airport so that was an extra expense-already said goodbye to the kids so now I was going to mess up Michael's flow-rebooked on a 6am flight so I was definitely going to be exhausted.

And the truly insidious part of it was that once I figured out my plan-hotel near the airport that cost less than another round trip Lyft-resigned about being late to course-apologized to Michael for being a spaz, then I was SO mad at myself for not being able to deal with the situation like a functional adult. And frankly, a functional adult with the means to pay for adjustments. I felt like such an asshole for being such a baby.

I was still dogging myself pretty hard through my flight but once I was breathing San Diego air and found that my rental car had been given away I had to let it go and at least try to laugh at myself.

I need to keep myself from being in such a low state that I can't function. I give myself enough credit to say that when I'm in my right mind, I am more mentally tough. So now gotta stay in that right mind.


Sent from my iPhone


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

3.5 yr old musings

Andrew had a quarter he was taking to show my mom.
As we drive to her house he asks Michael and I why it has a pirate on it.

We were a bit confused so he clarified.

A flyer-dapter (pterodactyl) on one side and a pirate on the other side.







- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, March 17, 2017

America's Finest!


I'm sure I sound like a broken record but since I don't go to San Diego with any marked frequency I figure I can indulge myself when I do.
I freaking love San Diego.
When I got off the plane after what was a tumultuous trip* i could immediately breath in the feel and smell.

My children will never know about walking down the street and hearing eucalyptus bark sloughing off and the crunch of it under foot.


I was by myself for a training course for work. My first time traveling at all since last April, my first time flying away from either kid and my first night away from Miranda period.

I missed those guys a lot.
Andrew made me a bracelet


But I had an awesome trip.
The work stuff was so helpful and energizing. I feel like I have a much better grasp of the technology, how we might use it and importantly, how to help manage expectations around it. It was a hands on lab and it was great to do the experiments with other people and talk true logistics and work flow. It was fun brainstorming potential work flow for my company and even more fun helping others talk out their projects (always 1000X more fun to suggest experiments if you don't have to do them). The training facility was so nice and since they make all of the equipment they had every scientific toy you could imagine.
I told Michael that I would LOVE to work there. It is like being a lab TA with slightly fewer hopeless students.

Gel that you can watch in real time. Eat your heart out.


My down time was lovely too! I took a long walk in the beach each morning. Walking from my hotel through Carlsbad to the beach. Carlsbad is adorable! I didn't know. People who live by the beach are just happier people and it is a great mood booster to stroll along smiling and wishing everyone a good morning. I love seeing the old couples walking hand in hand (as the kids say #couplegoals).





I went and saw TWO movies. Moonlight and Beauty and the Beast...neither was as "out and proud" as the media had led me to believe.

I ate carne asada burritos for 2 of 3 night's dinner. And I met up with my oldest childhood friend for the third.



I wandered Target leisurely, bought a pint of B&J's and ate it in bed watching Queer as Folk on Netflix.

This trip has been a real refresh for me and I hope it sticks. I hope it will help me move on some things that are holding us back at home as far as figuring out childcare and work life balance and such. I hope I can translate the genuine enthusiasm I have about this new project at work into action.

I also feel like it is a hint to me that Michael and I should try to fit in small solo getaways for just such refresh. And one day even a couple getaway.

*travel will be a post of its own
The fog on my final morning walk



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Female stuff

Tmi potential: high

Ok, I often feel like I never got the memo on how to do standard female rituals- hair, makeup, clothes, nails, skin, etc. And how others did regular menstruation was a mystery too.

So have I totally just missed the memo on how amazing a menstrual cup is?

Holy crap, it was awesome. My biggest female fail was I could never figure out how to sleep during my period without it looking like a stab victim was triaged in my bed by morning. It was so gross, disturbing and embarrassing. But I just had my period and only had to wash my sheets by choice!

It is so cool! I was super intimidated by it- size and firmness gave me some serious trepidation. But, I figured if I'm on the menstrual train for reals now I needed to try something new.

I hope next time I will spend les mental energy being amazed and thinking about it. And fewer bathroom trips just to check all is well. But overall I'm pretty stoked and unsure if I missed the memo or what.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Nuclear option

Andrew just started being into a show called "harry and his bucket full of dinosaurs"









It's cute enough but today it hit me that harry seems to live with just his mom and his nana helps out.

Wow. Can you imagine it?

Sometimes it is really bizarre to me the way my family has shaken out. A married couple with two kids (one son, one daughter even) a house, a cat.

This is not only NOT my personal experience but I can't even think of one example of this arrangement in my immediate circle during my primary school years. Now this is likely due to the village my mom created. It makes sense that families with adult deficiencies ban together to get shit done.

I just never really pictured myself in such a classic family structure. It is a good setup but surprises me sometimes in both good and bad ways.

The good: my mom told me once that the times she missed having a husband weren't the hard things as much as they were the good things. And I sort of get that now. Nobody on the planet other than Michael sees the way these kids shine to us alone. Nobody else fully grasps the goofy pride over the smallest of mundane accomplishments much less the big ones. I thought I did as a doting auntie but it is different (though I also realize that as an aunt I am able to see the good without any underlying crap..so trade offs). I love being able to look at Michael looking at our kids and know what he's feeling.

But it is also nice to have them for the hard stuff. When we were a trio it allowed us to have another adult with us when things are hard and now we can be man-on-man. When I think of the scramble that my poor mom had when one of us was sick or when both of needed to be somewhere at once. Until I had to deal with childcare scramble myself I used to fondly remember the little bed my mom made for my sick self under her desk at work and the sleepy morning drop offs at my aunt’s house because she needed to be at work before school started.

Since Andrew is in a major feisty moment of life ATM I also really enjoy having someone to side-eye and laugh at my kids with. With Michael, I know that I can share any frustrations or incredulity I have while knowing he knows the depth of my love and fondness for the little nut job.


As for the cons there aren't many I can imagine yet. Co-parenting can be somewhat tricky in ways I guess. It is hard enough to know what to do but then to add in another voice. Plus in a single parent household there is one ultimate answer rather than a two person committee (really a poly household would be good for tiebreakers).

I didn't ever imagine myself in such a family. Another piece of evidence that sometimes you just don't know what you want and need in life.





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Here's the thing

I'm not marching today.

I could say it is because I decided the forum thing we went to last night was my action. Or that I wanted to stay with my still kinda sicky family. Or that I feel like my little buddy needed a Saturday morning with the four of us and especially me.

All of that is true but none are why I'm not out there.

I'm sad and mad at us all. I can't get over it. How did this happen. And these marches just baffle and sadden me more because when you see the turn out and the passion it begs the question of why wasn't that enough before the election? What is wrong with us? How did this much fire not ignite when it actually mattered?

Plus there is the fact that i feel like I've been slapped in the face as a woman. Really I do. It's easy when you're surrounded by upstanding men and a kick ass female boss and other phenomenal women to ignore how fucked up the world is. But our president was on tape saying disgusting things about a woman and he was elected. Hillary Clinton still had to apologize for how she dealt with her husband's infidelity while her opponent got little beef for actually being the philanderer. We still absolutely suck at how we treat women as a society, how woman treat each other and how women still have to do the same jobs 100x better to even be considered.

I'm so disheartened. Or was, the stories and images from today's march are somewhat cooling the burn I've had in my gut since the election.

Now I look and am sorry to have missed such an historic and beautiful gathering. I just couldn't. I needed the extra beat to think about things.

My resolution to action is to make it my mission to defeat the only nearby republican congressman. He doesn't represent this region and his party doesn't represent the America i think we deserve.

My first trip to D.C. In 2004 was for the march for women's lives. I guess that's part of it too, I'm sad that we are still doing this.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, January 1, 2017

2017: digging out

The snow on the ground this morning was symbolic for me. It is a symbol of the figurative digging out that I need to do in 2017. Personally, in my relationships with others, nationally against the pile of crap coming our way.

We tried to do a best of 2016 for our family during dinner last night. I will preserve the answers here for posterity:

Best movie: M&A- Paddington, a-how do dinosaurs eat their food (Christmas gift)

Best trip: A&a- California and the swimming pool. M- pacific beach with the family

Best adventure: all- Dozer Day! Runner up- kids quest

Best month: M-December, A-July or August

We sort of ran out of questions at this point.

One thing I accomplished just under the wire was I put a bookcase in this baby's room FINALLY (like 6 months after I blogged about it).



Bonus Christmas pics











- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone