Thursday, November 19, 2015


Because I’m keeping it real (if I cared enough to learn how to find/make/insert GIFs I’d totally be putting in Murray from Clueless right here. But I don’t- if that isn’t what you thought of when I wrote that, go watch Clueless now) I am feeling stretched.

Physically and mentally.


The physical is livable, and mostly because I know it is temporary and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. And most of the time I have been feeling pretty good, just marveling at how big this baby’s movements are.  


The mental is draining me. I feel like Michael and I have been swimming hard but there is just too much of a current. And that’s pretty defeating. In behavioral biology a testing method for rats is to put them into water- they will swim for a very long time if they have their wits about them. If they are depressed they stop swimming and sink. I keep having sinking rat moments. Evenings that I feel relatively awake and relatively comfortable and KNOW I should be pushing hard to accomplish shit but instead sink deep into the couch. Work days where I might use a 15 minute incubation to write reports or something that I now spend shuffling papers and wait. Lunch time when I know I should be on the phone to daycares or movers or {insert professional here} or going for my walk but instead head deep into the amazon looking at things for the baby or the house that I’m too freaked out to buy for lack of space/desire to have more crap to deal with/fear that this house stuff and my maternity leave and the general $ suck of children makes it out of budget.


Then there is the crap I want to be doing. I want to be gearing up for a fun Thanksgiving. Trying recipes with M, griping about how much we bring to the gathering while truthfully loving an occasion to go for it- I haven’t mentioned to M yet that the Wednesday before Thanksgiving has a big study planned and I’ll need to be here for sure. Decorating our house for Christmas and the subsequent joy that would come for Andrew. Settling his life down as much as possible before it gets shaken up with moving and sibling invasion. Holiday adventures with my boys.

But instead I am a sinking rat. 

And when I'm not I have screwed myself so royally that I have to bust butt to even catch up. 


And again, I understand that all of this work is to get to some really great places. But there are just miles to go before we get there and it is draining. 

I will pat us on the back for the one place we do put a significant and worth while amount of energy. 

This guy is fun, chatty and awesome and we are soaking up as much A time as we can get. 
We've played lots of Lego 
Hit up the kiddie museum a few times 
And tonight we made rainbow waffles (well pale green, blue or purple waffles). 
So we haven't gone off the deep end entirely...just closer than we might like. 

1 comment:

Kathy said...

Oh, I wish life was on a semester schedule. I am feeling the same way right now. Joey has been out of town for the week, and I had these grand visions of being wildly productive from morning until night. I was going to finally make an emergency evacuation kit, spot clean the carpets, workout every day and read all the books I'm supposed to be reading for work. Instead, I find myself just doing the minimum. I am keeping my head above water, but like the depressed rat, sometimes I also just sit and stare at my computer screen or fiddle away time re-stacking papers or transferring notes from one list to another. Then I get overwhelmed with my own expectations and my sluggish performance. BUT I remind myself that the semester will end soon and I will have a fresh start. There is something beautiful about school and how you always, always get do-overs and fresh starts. You should consider giving yourself a couple too! :)