December 3, 2013

I am lying in my bed watching my tiny big boy sleep next to me. I should move him to his bed and get busy tidying up and getting dressed. But today, with only a handful of days left before I go back to work, I decided I’d just soak up looking at him and try to jot down some of my thoughts on the most eventful, life changing, unique, exciting and downright wonderful four months of my life. But I sort of don’t feel like I have the right words. I am just speechless with gratitude. I am so grateful to have him in my life and to have been able to watch him grow the past four months. I will never know how to thank Michael for making it possible and I have enjoyed watching him get to know his son. He is such a loving person and our son is so lucky to have him.

There are so many things that have surprised me. I couldn’t believe how easy the transition was to feeling like his mommy. He just feels so right in our house, in our lives. I am also surprised at what a basket case having an infant has made me. I just don’t want to miss anything and worry that I wouldn’t see it if he was sick.

I am nervous as hell about going back to work. Time just feels like it has quadrupled in value and, especially when we are all back to work/at daycare, I am worried about how we’ll manage it. I also worry that I won’t remember how to do anything or that I won’t have any idea what is going on. I am freaked that pumping at work won’t work out and will be a major stressor. I am going to miss my baby a lot but I will also miss having someone at home. It is HUGELY convenient to be able to get all the BS of home life (laundry, grocery shopping, phone calls, appointments) done during the weekday to relieve the burden at night and on weekends.

I am trying to be cool about how much I am going to miss this kid but it definitely punches me in the gut every once in a while. He is constantly doing awesome stuff and I’m going to miss lots of it. What will it be like to be apart from him? We have been together full time for over a year, how will I survive without him?

I can’t believe this season of life is ending; it has been my most treasured.



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