Now that our wedding has passed I figured I’d muse on an area of sadness I was expecting and relief I am ETERNALLY grateful for.
I am kina morbid (which I think bugs M) but it is in a practicality of life sort of way. That death is a lurking possibility and will leave you in the throes of dealing with it before you can bat an eye. With this said, I was really worried that someone I loved would die before the wedding. I have been worried about my aunt for years, my mom for a year and this year I was worried something would happen to my sister or the baby. I worried about M’s family and especially since they drove out. I even worried about the two of us and a freak accident. Now, it isn’t that I think by making it to the wedding I have safe guarded everyone I love nor do I feel like everyone’s attendance is all I needed/wanted them to stay around for, it is bigger than that. We did it! We have made and safeguarded the memories from that day forever and death can’t ever take that away. There will hopefully be a million more celebrations with each of those people but regardless we got that one! I am so glad for all the people we had present and the love they showed us that day because we get to keep it forever. On some wedding items I would ask myself “is this worth it,” until one day I realized I needed to answer that by deciding if it will make memories. And not just for M and me but for our loved ones. One of my favorite pics is a photobooth image of the most random assortment of M and my dearest’s. I’m not sure how this crew came to be, or if it was random or if they were sober enough to remember taking it, but it is a tangible reminder of the new “baby-family” M and I made official that night.
The other side of this is the sadness I referred to. I’ll have to get M’s perspective on it (since his loss is newer and closer) but I was surprised by the how soft the sad was. I felt like the way I missed my loved ones who weren’t there was imagining their presence and how they would have celebrated the day. It was nice. And not overwhelming. It may be because these guys didn’t even make it to my sister’s wedding which means they’ve all been gone 8 years or more. In fact I distinctly remember my goal for that wedding had been to avoid thinking about it (my Opa had died only ~1month before). Whatever the reason, it was a good feeling.
I am not sure what I’ll do about wedding posts on the blog. Maybe when I am inspired (aka on the bus) I’ll yammer like this post but it is probably time to start talking about blisters, bunions and the 3-Day walk.
Oh, and change my blog header.
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