Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Fear and old age

I think you become more fearful as you get older. Or, maybe more likely, fear is a bell shaped curve over age and I think I may be near the peak (or I hope). When you're little you fail to see the consequences of fearful situations and when you're older and wiser you realize that the consequences of reasonable risk is usually handlable.

I've been feeling more and more afraid of little things; I'll clutch the oh-shit-handle on the car when a friend drives too crazy, I'm all jumpy going from my car to the door in the dark, someone came soliciting to the door and now I am fully expecing him to come back and murder me (Description: white male, ~30's, really bad teeth), etc.

What prompted this rant is multi-fold. I'm worried about my Mom's and aunt's health. The XC runner, Chelsea King's murder was so all around heart breaking.I read a blog post about being afraid of alligators during an OWS (SHE is in FL where that is a valid concern). The Captain and I are getting ready to get back on our bikes (or more accurately, he is getting ready to ride again for the 1st tinme since his crash), I worry about him, I worry about me (I am PETRIFIED about eating it and knocking out teeth). Despite trying to be cool about it (since I know it's not a big deal) I am worried about my own health.

Not so much my current health but the fact that I am, heck, we all are, fighting a battle against our bodies. And from what it looks like, for those of us lucky enough to get to experience it, it sucks having your body break down on you.

For me, running has been pretty miserable the last few months. I get SO sick to my stomach and get some major intestinal ickiness. It has been most unpleasant.

I am having surgery in a week and actually I am really excited because I think (HOPE&PRAY) that it'll clear up some of the ickiness and I can get back to plodding along down the trail. But being the object of medical attention is still a new and helpless feeling and I don't look forward to more of it.

I am so grateful to have been healthy my whole life. I am still sorry that i wasted years making myself unhealthy and am SO grateful to have found somethhing I love that fits so well with a healthy lifestyle.

I do feel like I've learned I need to really listen to my body and be my own advocate. I have known I get sick running for a long time but I ignored it and made excuses (diet, fitness, physiology) and let it get to the point where things got painful.

Anyway, I have no idea the point of this post. Time to push through my irrational fear and be glad that I have so much good stuff going on that I'm afraid of losing anything. I need to keep working on keeping my body healthy and rage against the dying of the light. I need to get feeling better PDQ...81 days until Issaquah!!


Esther said...

I hear ya! The age we are at right now, we've seen too much bad stuff to be naive to it, but we haven't lived through enough of it to not care anymore.

I noticed that I have slowly developed a fear of flying. I still have no problem of getting on a plane, but I will think a little too much about the fact that I could get blown up, knocked out of the sky, end up in the side of a building, etc. You think about your own mortality even more when you get married (and have kids).

The world can be a very scary place, but it's also a great place where people like you accomplish amazing things and go on OWS with all your limbs attached and free of any bacterial diseases.

The Devil's Starchy Fingers said...

Are you really fearful or have you just become aware? Fear is a bad, bad thing but awareness of the fragility of life can be beneficial. This is all very temporary.

All you can do is reduce risk factors as much as possible without becoming a hermit or a raw food only eating freak. Because at any time anything can happen to you. You could be minding your own business, running down the beach and be killed by an airplane. You just never know. Common sense is the only thing you can go by.

I think once you accept that and develop a "Que Sera Sera" attitude life becomes easier. I am far from an entirely "Que Sera Sera" attitude myself but I am miles ahead of where I used to be. I am also planning on visiting a reptile house and holding snakes just because it terrifies me.

You are a healthy person with healthy habits. Worry and fear will eat at you and damage your health. Don't give in to it.

Very interesting post. You had me thinking for most of the day yesterday.