Realizations

Last night while we were getting ready for bed I was playing baby boy the songs I’ve been playing for him since he was the size of a grapefruit. They are mostly a mix of songs I remember my mom singing to me in bed. I’m not sure if it is my earliest memory or just an early memory that was engrained because I experienced it so often as a child, but the songs my mom sang to me are very clear and special to me and I have been very excited to share them with my son.

One of the most special is this one. As it was playing last night one line sort of broke me down.

You don't need direction, you know which way to go
And I don't want to hold you back, I just want to watch you grow
You're the one who taught me you don't have to look behind
Oh, yes sweet darling, so glad you are a child of mine
Read more: Carole King - Child Of Mine Lyrics | MetroLyrics

I have always been one to not only question my decisions but agonize over what I perceived as mistakes. Especially since leaving a PhD program and feeling a bit lost about professional choices. I look back as far as college and analyze decisions. I should have worked harder, I should have chosen a professional school, I should have bucked up and been more confident in my research. I have always been so full of regrets.

I couldn’t believe that my son managed to help me with this in the short two weeks I’ve known him. The most clear moment of this was when we were talking to his pediatrician in the hospital. She was about my age and usually a situation like that would get a voice in my head going about how I should have worked harder and done more and me wishing I could be in her shoes. But at that moment I thought how 100% of me would rather be A’s mom than his doctor. All of the decisions I’ve made have led me to M and to our baby boy and being a part of my family is the best feeling in the world.

That isn’t to say that I am satisfied with all of the ramifications of choices I’ve made. I’m not. But I hope going forward I will continue to go forward; taking charge of the future rather than reanalyzing past choices.

Holy Crap!

I am a mom.

It is so strange and so amazing. I still don't know how it all works or how it will go in the future but I am SO in love with this kid. It actually is a little shocking to me. I just want him to have the world, but I want the world to be better for him.

I find myself totally fixated on him, I love watching his movements, hearing his little sounds and trying to figure out what his different faces mean. I am also reveling in watching baby boy and his dad. They are so darling together and I get overwhelmed by how much happiness I get from those two people alone.

I haven't a clue as to how we'll do once the novelty wears off. Once we are both back to work and time feels more precious than ever. I'm sure we will have tense days ahead as we figure out what kind of parents we want to be. Don't get me started on how nervous I am about raising a good person. A good man, respectful, caring, who contributes to society.

But for now, I am going to hold my little two week old, watch him stretch his limbs like he is still in awe to have so much room to move around, and listen to his coos and grunts as he settles in to eat.

I have no idea if I will start blogging or what. I am not sure what he and I will spend our days doing for the next few months. So unsure of so many things. Save for one, I am eternally grateful for this time in my life and for my family.