I LOST my shit.

My flight to San Diego was cancelled while we sat at the gate. I'd taken a Lyft to the airport. It was a 9:30 flight and the only one that would get me to SAN in time for my 8:30 training start time.
And I LOST my shit.

I feel like this type of stress test is a good measure of my mental state. Because I like to think that when I'm in a good place I am usually pretty good at adapting or at least seeing the absurdity. But on Monday night I honestly felt completely crushed.
It was like suddenly a loud chorus of all the ways I was fucking everything up started running on repeat in my head. Late for the course that I was already unsure about- hadn't driven to the airport so that was an extra expense-already said goodbye to the kids so now I was going to mess up Michael's flow-rebooked on a 6am flight so I was definitely going to be exhausted.

And the truly insidious part of it was that once I figured out my plan-hotel near the airport that cost less than another round trip Lyft-resigned about being late to course-apologized to Michael for being a spaz, then I was SO mad at myself for not being able to deal with the situation like a functional adult. And frankly, a functional adult with the means to pay for adjustments. I felt like such an asshole for being such a baby.

I was still dogging myself pretty hard through my flight but once I was breathing San Diego air and found that my rental car had been given away I had to let it go and at least try to laugh at myself.

I need to keep myself from being in such a low state that I can't function. I give myself enough credit to say that when I'm in my right mind, I am more mentally tough. So now gotta stay in that right mind.


Sent from my iPhone


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3.5 yr old musings

Andrew had a quarter he was taking to show my mom.
As we drive to her house he asks Michael and I why it has a pirate on it.

We were a bit confused so he clarified.

A flyer-dapter (pterodactyl) on one side and a pirate on the other side.







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America's Finest!

I'm sure I sound like a broken record but since I don't go to San Diego with any marked frequency I figure I can indulge myself when I do.
I freaking love San Diego.
When I got off the plane after what was a tumultuous trip* i could immediately breath in the feel and smell.

My children will never know about walking down the street and hearing eucalyptus bark sloughing off and the crunch of it under foot.


I was by myself for a training course for work. My first time traveling at all since last April, my first time flying away from either kid and my first night away from Miranda period.

I missed those guys a lot.
Andrew made me a bracelet


But I had an awesome trip.
The work stuff was so helpful and energizing. I feel like I have a much better grasp of the technology, how we might use it and importantly, how to help manage expectations around it. It was a hands on lab and it was great to do the experiments with other people and talk true logistics and work flow. It was fun brainstorming potential work flow for my company and even more fun helping others talk out their projects (always 1000X more fun to suggest experiments if you don't have to do them). The training facility was so nice and since they make all of the equipment they had every scientific toy you could imagine.
I told Michael that I would LOVE to work there. It is like being a lab TA with slightly fewer hopeless students.

Gel that you can watch in real time. Eat your heart out.


My down time was lovely too! I took a long walk in the beach each morning. Walking from my hotel through Carlsbad to the beach. Carlsbad is adorable! I didn't know. People who live by the beach are just happier people and it is a great mood booster to stroll along smiling and wishing everyone a good morning. I love seeing the old couples walking hand in hand (as the kids say #couplegoals).





I went and saw TWO movies. Moonlight and Beauty and the Beast...neither was as "out and proud" as the media had led me to believe.

I ate carne asada burritos for 2 of 3 night's dinner. And I met up with my oldest childhood friend for the third.



I wandered Target leisurely, bought a pint of B&J's and ate it in bed watching Queer as Folk on Netflix.

This trip has been a real refresh for me and I hope it sticks. I hope it will help me move on some things that are holding us back at home as far as figuring out childcare and work life balance and such. I hope I can translate the genuine enthusiasm I have about this new project at work into action.

I also feel like it is a hint to me that Michael and I should try to fit in small solo getaways for just such refresh. And one day even a couple getaway.

*travel will be a post of its own
The fog on my final morning walk



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Female stuff

Tmi potential: high

Ok, I often feel like I never got the memo on how to do standard female rituals- hair, makeup, clothes, nails, skin, etc. And how others did regular menstruation was a mystery too.

So have I totally just missed the memo on how amazing a menstrual cup is?

Holy crap, it was awesome. My biggest female fail was I could never figure out how to sleep during my period without it looking like a stab victim was triaged in my bed by morning. It was so gross, disturbing and embarrassing. But I just had my period and only had to wash my sheets by choice!

It is so cool! I was super intimidated by it- size and firmness gave me some serious trepidation. But, I figured if I'm on the menstrual train for reals now I needed to try something new.

I hope next time I will spend les mental energy being amazed and thinking about it. And fewer bathroom trips just to check all is well. But overall I'm pretty stoked and unsure if I missed the memo or what.




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Nuclear option

Andrew just started being into a show called "harry and his bucket full of dinosaurs"









It's cute enough but today it hit me that harry seems to live with just his mom and his nana helps out.

Wow. Can you imagine it?

Sometimes it is really bizarre to me the way my family has shaken out. A married couple with two kids (one son, one daughter even) a house, a cat.

This is not only NOT my personal experience but I can't even think of one example of this arrangement in my immediate circle during my primary school years. Now this is likely due to the village my mom created. It makes sense that families with adult deficiencies ban together to get shit done.

I just never really pictured myself in such a classic family structure. It is a good setup but surprises me sometimes in both good and bad ways.

The good: my mom told me once that the times she missed having a husband weren't the hard things as much as they were the good things. And I sort of get that now. Nobody on the planet other than Michael sees the way these kids shine to us alone. Nobody else fully grasps the goofy pride over the smallest of mundane accomplishments much less the big ones. I thought I did as a doting auntie but it is different (though I also realize that as an aunt I am able to see the good without any underlying crap..so trade offs). I love being able to look at Michael looking at our kids and know what he's feeling.

But it is also nice to have them for the hard stuff. When we were a trio it allowed us to have another adult with us when things are hard and now we can be man-on-man. When I think of the scramble that my poor mom had when one of us was sick or when both of needed to be somewhere at once. Until I had to deal with childcare scramble myself I used to fondly remember the little bed my mom made for my sick self under her desk at work and the sleepy morning drop offs at my aunt’s house because she needed to be at work before school started.

Since Andrew is in a major feisty moment of life ATM I also really enjoy having someone to side-eye and laugh at my kids with. With Michael, I know that I can share any frustrations or incredulity I have while knowing he knows the depth of my love and fondness for the little nut job.


As for the cons there aren't many I can imagine yet. Co-parenting can be somewhat tricky in ways I guess. It is hard enough to know what to do but then to add in another voice. Plus in a single parent household there is one ultimate answer rather than a two person committee (really a poly household would be good for tiebreakers).

I didn't ever imagine myself in such a family. Another piece of evidence that sometimes you just don't know what you want and need in life.





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Here's the thing

I'm not marching today.

I could say it is because I decided the forum thing we went to last night was my action. Or that I wanted to stay with my still kinda sicky family. Or that I feel like my little buddy needed a Saturday morning with the four of us and especially me.

All of that is true but none are why I'm not out there.

I'm sad and mad at us all. I can't get over it. How did this happen. And these marches just baffle and sadden me more because when you see the turn out and the passion it begs the question of why wasn't that enough before the election? What is wrong with us? How did this much fire not ignite when it actually mattered?

Plus there is the fact that i feel like I've been slapped in the face as a woman. Really I do. It's easy when you're surrounded by upstanding men and a kick ass female boss and other phenomenal women to ignore how fucked up the world is. But our president was on tape saying disgusting things about a woman and he was elected. Hillary Clinton still had to apologize for how she dealt with her husband's infidelity while her opponent got little beef for actually being the philanderer. We still absolutely suck at how we treat women as a society, how woman treat each other and how women still have to do the same jobs 100x better to even be considered.

I'm so disheartened. Or was, the stories and images from today's march are somewhat cooling the burn I've had in my gut since the election.

Now I look and am sorry to have missed such an historic and beautiful gathering. I just couldn't. I needed the extra beat to think about things.

My resolution to action is to make it my mission to defeat the only nearby republican congressman. He doesn't represent this region and his party doesn't represent the America i think we deserve.

My first trip to D.C. In 2004 was for the march for women's lives. I guess that's part of it too, I'm sad that we are still doing this.



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2017: digging out

The snow on the ground this morning was symbolic for me. It is a symbol of the figurative digging out that I need to do in 2017. Personally, in my relationships with others, nationally against the pile of crap coming our way.

We tried to do a best of 2016 for our family during dinner last night. I will preserve the answers here for posterity:

Best movie: M&A- Paddington, a-how do dinosaurs eat their food (Christmas gift)

Best trip: A&a- California and the swimming pool. M- pacific beach with the family

Best adventure: all- Dozer Day! Runner up- kids quest

Best month: M-December, A-July or August

We sort of ran out of questions at this point.

One thing I accomplished just under the wire was I put a bookcase in this baby's room FINALLY (like 6 months after I blogged about it).



Bonus Christmas pics











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