Bizarro

I am back at work. And milking myself in a spare office.

This was on the list of things I never pictured myself doing. I feel so strange, super anxious and need to calm down.

I am trying to dress a bit more professionally now.

Here is my ootd.









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December 3, 2013

I am lying in my bed watching my tiny big boy sleep next to me. I should move him to his bed and get busy tidying up and getting dressed. But today, with only a handful of days left before I go back to work, I decided I’d just soak up looking at him and try to jot down some of my thoughts on the most eventful, life changing, unique, exciting and downright wonderful four months of my life. But I sort of don’t feel like I have the right words. I am just speechless with gratitude. I am so grateful to have him in my life and to have been able to watch him grow the past four months. I will never know how to thank Michael for making it possible and I have enjoyed watching him get to know his son. He is such a loving person and our son is so lucky to have him.

There are so many things that have surprised me. I couldn’t believe how easy the transition was to feeling like his mommy. He just feels so right in our house, in our lives. I am also surprised at what a basket case having an infant has made me. I just don’t want to miss anything and worry that I wouldn’t see it if he was sick.

I am nervous as hell about going back to work. Time just feels like it has quadrupled in value and, especially when we are all back to work/at daycare, I am worried about how we’ll manage it. I also worry that I won’t remember how to do anything or that I won’t have any idea what is going on. I am freaked that pumping at work won’t work out and will be a major stressor. I am going to miss my baby a lot but I will also miss having someone at home. It is HUGELY convenient to be able to get all the BS of home life (laundry, grocery shopping, phone calls, appointments) done during the weekday to relieve the burden at night and on weekends.

I am trying to be cool about how much I am going to miss this kid but it definitely punches me in the gut every once in a while. He is constantly doing awesome stuff and I’m going to miss lots of it. What will it be like to be apart from him? We have been together full time for over a year, how will I survive without him?

I can’t believe this season of life is ending; it has been my most treasured.



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It's the final countdown

It is my last week of maternity leave and I am a bundle of emotions.

Went for a run with my boy today and got this view:



Gray skies, maybe but beauty too.

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My Miss America Platform

My Miss America platform issue is going to be remedying the lack of affordable child care in this country. I am a well educated, gainfully employed person, living within my means and even still, the cost of child care teeters on the brink of worthiness relative to my take home pay.

It is sick and wrong. And then it begs ugly, awful questions. Is a child in more affordable (read: provider doesn't have a PhD in nannying, higher ratios, shabbier looking rooms) care in danger? Will they be loved and cared for adequately? What is the price for a safe and happy place and if you balk at it what does that say about you as a parent?

These are shitty questions to throw into the mix when the idea of leaving them is already hard.

And bullshit to those who don't think this is a women's issue. I make less and have been at my job less time than my husband. Not to mention any unspoken loss of respect toward me thanks to being pregnant and then on leave. Add in the biological,historical and cultural expectations the mother has and you can guess which partner is more pressured to stay home. Shit, my female boss was semi-discouraging my return.

It isn't right. How can we at least take child care out of the equation?

There is nothing I wouldn't do to make sure that my baby has what he needs, but has society broken down so much -or is society so stalled- that my options to give him what he needs are so pitiful?



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Again

Day two. Andrew is still good mama is still dying.




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Alright

First run with my new run buddy is done. let me just say 20 extra pounds of baby weight plus 24 pounds of stroller plus however the heck much car seat weighs plus 14 pounds of baby is really hard.

Didn't phase Andrew though.






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Realizations

Last night while we were getting ready for bed I was playing baby boy the songs I’ve been playing for him since he was the size of a grapefruit. They are mostly a mix of songs I remember my mom singing to me in bed. I’m not sure if it is my earliest memory or just an early memory that was engrained because I experienced it so often as a child, but the songs my mom sang to me are very clear and special to me and I have been very excited to share them with my son.

One of the most special is this one. As it was playing last night one line sort of broke me down.

You don't need direction, you know which way to go
And I don't want to hold you back, I just want to watch you grow
You're the one who taught me you don't have to look behind
Oh, yes sweet darling, so glad you are a child of mine
Read more: Carole King - Child Of Mine Lyrics | MetroLyrics

I have always been one to not only question my decisions but agonize over what I perceived as mistakes. Especially since leaving a PhD program and feeling a bit lost about professional choices. I look back as far as college and analyze decisions. I should have worked harder, I should have chosen a professional school, I should have bucked up and been more confident in my research. I have always been so full of regrets.

I couldn’t believe that my son managed to help me with this in the short two weeks I’ve known him. The most clear moment of this was when we were talking to his pediatrician in the hospital. She was about my age and usually a situation like that would get a voice in my head going about how I should have worked harder and done more and me wishing I could be in her shoes. But at that moment I thought how 100% of me would rather be A’s mom than his doctor. All of the decisions I’ve made have led me to M and to our baby boy and being a part of my family is the best feeling in the world.

That isn’t to say that I am satisfied with all of the ramifications of choices I’ve made. I’m not. But I hope going forward I will continue to go forward; taking charge of the future rather than reanalyzing past choices.