Again

Day two. Andrew is still good mama is still dying.




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Alright

First run with my new run buddy is done. let me just say 20 extra pounds of baby weight plus 24 pounds of stroller plus however the heck much car seat weighs plus 14 pounds of baby is really hard.

Didn't phase Andrew though.






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Realizations

Last night while we were getting ready for bed I was playing baby boy the songs I’ve been playing for him since he was the size of a grapefruit. They are mostly a mix of songs I remember my mom singing to me in bed. I’m not sure if it is my earliest memory or just an early memory that was engrained because I experienced it so often as a child, but the songs my mom sang to me are very clear and special to me and I have been very excited to share them with my son.

One of the most special is this one. As it was playing last night one line sort of broke me down.

You don't need direction, you know which way to go
And I don't want to hold you back, I just want to watch you grow
You're the one who taught me you don't have to look behind
Oh, yes sweet darling, so glad you are a child of mine
Read more: Carole King - Child Of Mine Lyrics | MetroLyrics

I have always been one to not only question my decisions but agonize over what I perceived as mistakes. Especially since leaving a PhD program and feeling a bit lost about professional choices. I look back as far as college and analyze decisions. I should have worked harder, I should have chosen a professional school, I should have bucked up and been more confident in my research. I have always been so full of regrets.

I couldn’t believe that my son managed to help me with this in the short two weeks I’ve known him. The most clear moment of this was when we were talking to his pediatrician in the hospital. She was about my age and usually a situation like that would get a voice in my head going about how I should have worked harder and done more and me wishing I could be in her shoes. But at that moment I thought how 100% of me would rather be A’s mom than his doctor. All of the decisions I’ve made have led me to M and to our baby boy and being a part of my family is the best feeling in the world.

That isn’t to say that I am satisfied with all of the ramifications of choices I’ve made. I’m not. But I hope going forward I will continue to go forward; taking charge of the future rather than reanalyzing past choices.

Holy Crap!

I am a mom.

It is so strange and so amazing. I still don't know how it all works or how it will go in the future but I am SO in love with this kid. It actually is a little shocking to me. I just want him to have the world, but I want the world to be better for him.

I find myself totally fixated on him, I love watching his movements, hearing his little sounds and trying to figure out what his different faces mean. I am also reveling in watching baby boy and his dad. They are so darling together and I get overwhelmed by how much happiness I get from those two people alone.

I haven't a clue as to how we'll do once the novelty wears off. Once we are both back to work and time feels more precious than ever. I'm sure we will have tense days ahead as we figure out what kind of parents we want to be. Don't get me started on how nervous I am about raising a good person. A good man, respectful, caring, who contributes to society.

But for now, I am going to hold my little two week old, watch him stretch his limbs like he is still in awe to have so much room to move around, and listen to his coos and grunts as he settles in to eat.

I have no idea if I will start blogging or what. I am not sure what he and I will spend our days doing for the next few months. So unsure of so many things. Save for one, I am eternally grateful for this time in my life and for my family.

Early Bird gets the Chair

Sitting in the waiting room during my two hour glucose tolerance test and gazing with jealousy at the ladies who snagged the recliners.

Actually this isn’t so bad. I have been wasting time on the internet and generally being lazy for the last hour. Better than work I guess. The drink wasn’t too bad either.

What brings me here to type is how wild baby boy’s movement has gotten in the last day or two. I’ve been feeling him for a few weeks but it was always relatively mild. Now it is like he is thrashing about in there like a mad man. It is beyond bizarre. He is registering a full on one baby, March on Spleen, protest right now about the fact that we haven’t eaten today. I throw this out to my silent blog because, so far, M has been around when I experience these fits of activity so I’ve had someone to tell and be incredulous about it with me. But right now, I am alone with my computer (and some comfy looking stranger pregnant women).

This week ends the second trimester for me and I seriously can’t believe it. I don’t really have any deep thoughts on pregnancy or impending motherhood or even the way time passes. Maybe that’s part of why it has been quiet on the blog front.

3: stay [LISTEN]

The WEverb12 prompt for today is:

How did you stay in the moment this year?

Honestly, I REALLY struggled with this in 2012. I would find myself so focused on the really big changes we are trying to make in our life that I’d lose sight of how incredibly lucky I am and how great my current life is. 

This is the first full year we have spent trying to grow our little family and kept coming up against obstacles and bad news everywhere we turned. I was very easily frustrated by all of this and got more anxious to just push to the end result and put all the BS behind us. Hell, I started researching daycare options. That is how far from being “in the moment” I was at times.  

Luckily for me, I have a really great husband who is able to gently nudge me back to the realization that, if I don’t live in the moment, I’ll miss some truly wonderful things. We have a good life. We were able to go to Hawaii this year, I got to go to the east coast for a couple of days to visit a dear friend, we visited family in OK, we made it to CA for a wedding. We got a few weekends away, just us and with friends. We painted the kitchen and our home is feeling homier and homier. We refinanced said house, my first foray into home buying.We both had jobs that brought us stress and had someone at home to buffer that. We cooked and baked together. We have been Weight watchers members together the entire year and have each lost more than 10% of  our own body weight.

So, I have to confess that I didn’t live in the moment all the time but, thanks im large part to M, I did spend most of my time there.

With no apologies, 2: watch [LIVE]

 

I saw this set of prompts on a blog I read (which too had gone silent for months). So I’m gonna try to participate in WEverb12 myself.  Weverb12 is “a series of questions/prompts that ask you to reflect on 2012 and look forward to 2013.” I will be answering a question/prompt every day as the mood strikes me this month and publishing it here.

Day 2: What movie did you see this year that you would recommend to a friend?

It probably helps that it was very recent but Argo was an awesome flick. M and I saw Argo as one of our lazy CA trip movies. We saw three in total in those few days and this one stood out head and shoulders.I went into it wanting to know more about the history but truly not thinking it’d be as entertaining as it was. It completely revived my love of historical dramas. Now I need to get my butt in to see Lincoln.